“Sandbox Love Never Dies”

Jennifer’s Body centers around best friends Jennifer (Fox) and Needy (Seyfried) who met as children. Jennifer, the hot, single cheerleader with long brunette hair gets possessed by a demon that makes her seduce and kill boys in their school. Needy, the nerdy girl with a boyfriend and curly blonde hair does everything in her power to stop Jennifer. In between the possession and murder, the movie illustrates Jennifer and Needy’s friendship where the two may share a deeper love than platonic. They call each other “Monistat” and “Vagisil.” Jennifer doesn’t think Needy’s boyfriend is good enough for Needy, while the boyfriend doesn’t like that Needy spends so much time with Jennifer and believes she bosses Needy around. One of the other characters in the movie calls Needy “lesbi-gay” after she catches Needy gawking at Jennifer during a cheerleading performance. Seeing this played out on film tickles me because intimacy built between women in close friendship lays a foundation for these feelings to occur. A best friendship from childhood gives a girl a partner to discover the world with for the first time and the safety net built from that creates a deeper love between the two. As Needy says in the movie, “sandbox love never dies.”

“We can play boyfriend/girlfriend like we used to,” says Jennifer to Needy after their makeout.

The Beauty of Girls Like Girls

The collective Gay, Gayer, Gayest (GGG) hosted an advanced screening of Hayley Kiyoko’s new film, Girls Like Girls. The movie tells the story of teenaged girls Coley (Maya Da Costa) and Sonya (Myra Molloy). Coley moves to a new town at the start of Summer in the early 2000s, where she meets Sonya. The two form a fast best friendship that blossoms into a romance. We watch Coley’s crush start from the moment she locks eyes on Sonya and grows the more she gets to know her. We watch Sonya invite Coley into her world with ease and comfort. The girls get ready together in their bathrooms, do each other’s makeup, and share a bed when they have sleepovers. Quite frankly, they’re adorable and I kept wondering when they were going to kiss and finally admit their feelings to one another. But as a viewer, I also understood that it’s not as clear to these characters as it is to us that has a bird’s eye view of them. In their world, they’re wondering if they’re obsessed with each other as friends, or falling in love with each other.

The Heartbroken Ones Win

Coley and Sonya confess their feelings for each other and spend a night together. The morning after, however, Sonya becomes distant and cold, while Coley grows more confused. Coley went from speaking to Sonya all day, everyday, to wondering if Sonya wants her around. Seeing this played out in a film normalized the times this happened to me with guys I liked growing up. I’ve had nights with guys where they’ve confessed they’re deep rooted feelings for me, only to act like they never said a word the morning after. I carried an insecurity that I wasn’t good enough to be liked out loud. It made me embarrassed to speak about my love life because the stories tended to have this same ending. Experiencing this heartbreak with men scared me from acting on any feelings I had for a girl. That rejection cuts deep. Girls Like Girls helped heal the younger versions of myself that still carried shame from those heartbreaks. Coley recalibrates after Sonya mistreats her. She finds a new job, new friends, and a new love for herself. This showed me that a person not wanting to commit to me doesn’t mean no one ever will. It just means that it didn’t work out, and that’s okay.

Where I lacked the space to speak on this growing up, I finally have one. Movies like Girls Like Girls, communities like GGG, and the beautiful friendships I’ve made in adulthood have given me space to understand myself deeper and I’m so grateful for that.

The New York Knicks won their first game in the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs 105-95. The Knicks haven’t played in an NBA Final in 27 years, where they lost the series to the Spurs 4-1 games. This year marks the Finals rematch between both teams and the Knicks have already taken the lead. New York hasn’t seen this moment in men’s basketball since 1999. Basketball fans in their early to mid twenties have only dreamt of seeing this team in the Finals. The Knicks entering the NBA Finals marks a sign of persistence, resilience, and faith, for the team and the city. With the weather getting warmer and summer around the corner, ladies we need to lock in. A creator on TikTok claims that a Knicks win will make men want to spend their money and I couldn’t agree more. The men are going to be happy, outside, and fun to be around while we all watch the Knicks on their path to a Finals win.

Key Things To Know

My brothers, uncles, and aunt all played basketball and I grew up watching games with my family. Despite not playing myself, I picked up the terms and knowledge of the game quick. Simple on the court lingo include fouls and turnovers. Fouls are an infraction, usually a physical one, that disrupts the normal flow of a game. If a player on the court gives six out in one game, they foul out of the game. Meaning, they can’t play for the rest of the game. Fouls can also result in free throws, which helps widen point gaps. Turnovers happen when a team loses possession of the ball to the other team. When another team gains possession over a turnover, they typically have a better chance of making the basket. So if you’re rooting for the Knicks, you want the Spurs to turn the ball over as many times as possible. Don’t be scared to share this with a guy you’re flirting with at a bar over these next couple of weeks. Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve bagged a few men with my basketball knowledge and it always feels good. I try not to over explain either, I simply share my own analysis of the sport and I encourage y’all to do the same. It makes the game more fun to watch.

The Power Of The Knicks And Sport For Men

I love to watch men sing, dance, and goof around. That joy infects others around them and I see it come out when they watch and/or play sports. I asked my guy friends born and raised in New York about how they’d feel if the Knicks win the Finals. Some want to burn New Jersey down, while others know that they’ll be living through history. In my childhood, the Knicks were a sh*t team that produced notable players like Walt Frazier, Patrick Ewing, and Carmelo Anthony. In my adulthood, the Knicks are now a winning team producing legendary players like Jalen Brunson, Josh Hart, and OG Anouby. To remain loyal to a losing franchise takes heart and dedication. Camaraderie of sports allows that to shine through.

“The Knicks were constantly losing my entire life. The timing of them finally winning right now would feel like it’s God telling me how things can turn around for anyone who works for it,” says Nnamdi Onyeike, musician and former basketball player.

What A Knicks Win Means For The City

Folks gathered in bars, sports centers, and on the sidewalk with their TV plugged into an outlet outside a bodega. This finals series is monumental and I’m grateful to be a part of it. If the Knicks win, New York attitudes will turn to New York smiles. This win can turn enemies to lovers, foes to friends, and most of all, might be the start of something new in the romance department. I plan to enjoy my time with the happy men outside in the warm summer weather if the Knicks get the dub.

The Cleveland Cavaliers choked in their final game Monday night against the New York Knicks. New York came in as the fan favorite to win the Eastern Conference Championships after three consecutive wins against the Cavs. As a New Yorker, it brought a smile to my face to see the Knicks blow the Cavs out 130-93. I can’t lie though, by the third quarter Game 4 bored me. I don’t know if the Cavs got nervous, gave up, or both, but they disappointed me because I expected more fight for a team looking at one game left in their season. The Cavs’ performance also inspired me to go down NBA lane to find some of the league’s biggest championship flops. It’s sad to see a team choke, but it comes with the lore of professional sports.

2000 Portland Trailblazers

During the 2000 Western Conference Championships, the Portland Trailblazers entered the fourth quarter of game 7 with a 25 point lead. Minutes into the final quarter, however, Portland missed 13 field goals in a row, gave away fouls, and couldn’t compete against Shaquille O’Neal and the late Kobe Bryant’s blocks. The Lakers used free throw shots from fouls and three-pointers to close the 25 point gap. Once they tied the game at 75-75, the Lakers climbed their way to victory, winning the game and the Western Conference Championships 88-84. This loss devastated Portland fans. On the flip side, it laid the foundation for the Lakers to become a championship team and helped birth Shaq and Kobe’s on court chemistry.

2018 Houston Rockets

The Houston Rockets entered the 2018 Western Conference Championships against the Golden State Warriors with a 65-17 record, the best for the franchise at that time. This, however, didn’t protect them from a flop. Houston could’ve ended the championships during their Game 6 this year, as they came into it with a 3-2 game lead over the Golden State Warriors. Instead, the Warriors beat the Rockets 115-86, forcing a Game 7. The Warriors beat the Rockets again in their final game, winning the conference championships. The Rockets struggled to defend Golden State’s consistent three-pointers and missed 27 three point shots in a row, widening the point gap. Former Rockets head coach, Mike D’Antoni, commented on how he felt confident in his team’s defense, but owns that his team did not prepare fully for the Warrior’s great shooting. Poor James Harden, sucks that he continues to be a part of flopped teams.

“Two games, Game 6 and 7. One half of basketball. We just didn’t have the same energy that we had in the first half or the pace. So it’s extremely frustrating … we had an opportunity tonight and last game without Chris [Paul]. Obviously he’s a big part of why we are here, but we had opportunities, especially in the first half of both games,” said James Harden.

2023 Boston Celtics

I love when Boston loses. I love it. I love it. I love it. The Celtics came into Game 7 recovering from an 0-3 deficit. It looked like they set themselves up to secure the chip on their home court, TD Garden. However, Jayson Tatum’s ankle roll early on in the game and the Celtics’ shooting three-pointers at a 21.4% average led to a blowout of 103-84. This allowed the Heat to move on to the NBA Finals. I feel that the Celtics relied heavily on their momentum from winning three games prior, but that momentum did not contribute to a better shooting average and that essentially lost them the game.

I couldn’t step away from my London hotel room mirror earlier this year. I caught my eyes and saw my seven year old self, 16, 19, 24, and soon 27 year old self. We stared at each other, affirming the greatness and growth. My smile grew as I recognized how far I’d come from believing that my choice to study media and journalism messed up my life. I started to understand how each hardship, both mental and physical, molded me into a tougher woman. I turn 27 tomorrow, May 21, and I finally feel the age I’m turning; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The Beauty Of The 80/20 Rule

I love my body, and I mean that with my whole chest. I’m proud of my physique and that I hit the personal records (PRs) I set out to break when weightlifting. I’m also proud of my cooking skills, which helps me find new ways to nourish myself. I didn’t awaken them until I struggled to afford a meal on Doordash. I paid more attention to how fried food from a deli triggered my sensitive stomach and turned me off from a sandwich I ordered. I also noticed the expense of a pasta dish and how little I’d eat a whole plate of food from a restaurant. To save money and my appetite, I started cooking. I take my favorite meals, and/or meals too expensive for me to order, find their recipes and create dishes at home. I make my own pasta sauces, sandwich pastes, and my own baked jerk chicken. When I prepare my food, I bloat and stress less because there’s food that I like in my fridge. My younger self cries tears of joy because she never thought we’d find a way to comfortably eat and enjoy a meal. I love working out, but gym progress lives by the 80/20 rule: 80% what you eat, and 20% how you work out. Feeling healthy in my body requires me to fuel it well.

I’m An It Girl For Real

My friends tagged me in an Instagram post one random night, where Ginja, the party collective, used my photo in a flyer. I couldn’t believe they made me their poster girl. They used a photo from a night out celebrating a good friend’s birthday. I told myself to worry less about the men in the room this night, and worry more about having a good time. I entered that party ready to celebrate my friend’s special day. I ran into so many friends, and I even got to tell Arya Starr how much I loved her latest single, “Where Do We Go.” Funny enough, I received a lot of attention from men that believed I was their future wife and mother of their children. But that didn’t excite me. I excited myself that night and I believe my joy reflected through the photo taken of me, which Ginja eventually used. In my senior year of high school, my graduating class voted me “most likely to be famous.” I believed my lifelong dance background and involvement in performing arts earned me this title. I realize now that it’s more about the spirit I brought into those activities and all spaces I walked into. The less fear I have putting myself out there, the more the world rewards me. I draw people in because I bring my authentic self into a space. From young, I’ve seen myself as a star but felt shy about it. I’ve finally learned to embrace it. I’m an It Girl, I’m That Girl, and so many other things. I’m the main character. I love owning that.

Man, I Actually Feel Like A Woman

I had a freelance gig that laid me off days before my 26th birthday last year. I had a party to finish paying for, a lease to renew, and parents to soothe the nerves of after getting laid off for the second time. Later in the year, I made it to the final round of an interview for a new job only for them to shut down the role. While folks around me encouraged me that I’d find my way, I spent most of 26 wondering how I’d make ends meet. All of a sudden, I hear about a new babysitting agency that allows me to earn money by watching the kids of the moms in my neighborhood. Soon after, I started training to work as a tour manager. I started to create my work as I went on each day and all of a sudden, I made enough money to support myself on my own again. I didn’t feel like an adult until I lost the fixtures that I felt kept me stable. I built a new foundation based not on money and job security, but on love and faith in God. I struggle with calling this season a bad one because it led to so much self development. I planted new roots that stemmed from me, not the company I work for, the guy I’m dating, or how much I weigh, just me, as I am. Walking into 27 owning my agency sets me up for another year to trail blaze, and I can’t wait to see how far I go.

I leveraged my responsibility to receive what I wanted. I asked my parents to buy me a car and offered to help with school pick ups and drop offs and it worked. I also put a lot of pressure on myself. I wanted folks around me to perceive me as a good older sister. I thought if I got ahead of the pressure I felt from my parents, then it wouldn’t affect me as much if I missed their mark of perfection. I kept my grades above a 90, respected my elders, and took care of my siblings. But after moving out, working a full time job, and taking on adult responsibilities, I learned I couldn’t base my identity on how I showed up as the Ada. I had to learn myself outside of that role, which meant letting go of some of the responsibilities that come with it.

I’m Not Their Mom

My dad asked me to help him convince my brother to apply to a music business program. He gave a mini speech on how it can progress my brother’s career. I told my dad that I can’t convince my brother to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he saw the benefits of that graduate program for himself I’d understand, but I can’t continue the pattern of planting ideas that my parents want into my siblings’ head and lovingly forcing them to do things their way. I want my siblings to follow their hearts. I put these boundaries up with my parents because I don’t want to help raise my siblings. I’m their sister, not their mom. I don’t agree with using the oldest child to disseminate the desires of the parents. I thought this behavior would tarnish my relationship with my parents, but it’s actually opened up more space for honesty and respect between us. I’m the big sister I wish I had, but I don’t have all the answers. I’m one of my siblings’ resources, not their solution. I don’t want another child to stress me until I meet my own.

I Can’t Please Everyone

I switched from a Psychology Pre-Med major to a major in Media, Culture, and Communication my freshman year at NYU. My dad had faith in my journalism pursuits, but asked that I go to law school. I understood his point of view but why would I go to law school if I don’t want to be a lawyer? My mom, my aunt, and grandmother tried to talk me back into a career practicing medicine. They highlighted the job security and esteem of the field, but I believed I could find that working in the media. I’m not set up to work a job solely for the money. I’m different, I don’t know.

I dug my heels in to pursue my dreams despite not having my family completely on my side. Once I got my first job, my family couldn’t stop raving about how I worked for Trevor Noah (at the time). After losing it, I re-explained the nature of my work to my family and the disappointing job market. But I struggled facing them because I thought my circumstances proved them right. I didn’t want to hear, “I told you so.” I didn’t consider myself a “good” Ada because I didn’t see myself as a positive example for my siblings. I asked myself often, “Should I have listened to my parents?” Thank God for my friends, they helped talk me off that ledge. I don’t have to have things all together to be a good daughter, I just have to show up as I am. I strengthen my belief in myself so I have the courage to stand strong in front of my family. I can’t worry about their approval on how I live my life. Letting go of that pressure helps me trust myself more.

With mother’s day just passing, I never forget to shed light on my oldest daughters. We took on mother roles for our siblings as kids ourselves, and we grow into women that naturally take charge, sometimes to our detriment. I encourage all of us to lay our hair back, because we don’t have to have it all together. I love being the oldest, but I also love that I’m finding my autonomy outside of being the Ada.

I started changing diapers at 6 years old. I’m the Ada, Igbo for the first daughter. I’m the first born out of six, and the oldest grandchild on my mom’s side. My family expected me to set a good example for my siblings and help guide them through life. My mom served as my role model for this duty, since she’s also the first born. I loved hearing stories about how she protected my aunts and uncles as children. We shared the trait of natural nurturers. I loved when my parents gave me a new sibling because that meant I had a new baby to help take care of.

I leveraged my responsibility to receive what I wanted. I asked my parents to buy me a car and offered to help with school pick ups and drop offs and it worked. I also put a lot of pressure on myself. I wanted folks around me to perceive me as a good older sister. I thought if I got ahead of the pressure I felt from my parents, then it wouldn’t affect me as much if I missed their mark of perfection. I kept my grades above a 90, respected my elders, and took care of my siblings. But after moving out, working a full time job, and taking on adult responsibilities, I learned I couldn’t base my identity on how I showed up as the Ada. I had to learn myself outside of that role, which meant letting go of some of the responsibilities that come with it.

I’m Not Their Mom

My dad asked me to help him convince my brother to apply to a music business program. He gave a mini speech on how it can progress my brother’s career. I told my dad that I can’t convince my brother to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he saw the benefits of that graduate program for himself I’d understand, but I can’t continue the pattern of planting ideas that my parents want into my siblings’ head and lovingly forcing them to do things their way. I want my siblings to follow their hearts. I put these boundaries up with my parents because I don’t want to help raise my siblings. I’m their sister, not their mom. I don’t agree with using the oldest child to disseminate the desires of the parents. I thought this behavior would tarnish my relationship with my parents, but it’s actually opened up more space for honesty and respect between us. I’m the big sister I wish I had, but I don’t have all the answers. I’m one of my siblings’ resources, not their solution. I don’t want another child to stress me until I meet my own.

I Can’t Please Everyone

I switched from a Psychology Pre-Med major to a major in Media, Culture, and Communication my freshman year at NYU. My dad had faith in my journalism pursuits, but asked that I go to law school. I understood his point of view but why would I go to law school if I don’t want to be a lawyer? My mom, my aunt, and grandmother tried to talk me back into a career practicing medicine. They highlighted the job security and esteem of the field, but I believed I could find that working in the media. I’m not set up to work a job solely for the money. I’m different, I don’t know.

I dug my heels in to pursue my dreams despite not having my family completely on my side. Once I got my first job, my family couldn’t stop raving about how I worked for Trevor Noah (at the time). After losing it, I re-explained the nature of my work to my family and the disappointing job market. But I struggled facing them because I thought my circumstances proved them right. I didn’t want to hear, “I told you so.” I didn’t consider myself a “good” Ada because I didn’t see myself as a positive example for my siblings. I asked myself often, “Should I have listened to my parents?” Thank God for my friends, they helped talk me off that ledge. I don’t have to have things all together to be a good daughter, I just have to show up as I am. I strengthen my belief in myself so I have the courage to stand strong in front of my family. I can’t worry about their approval on how I live my life. Letting go of that pressure helps me trust myself more.

With mother’s day just passing, I never forget to shed light on my oldest daughters. We took on mother roles for our siblings as kids ourselves, and we grow into women that naturally take charge, sometimes to our detriment. I encourage all of us to lay our hair back, because we don’t have to have it all together. I love being the oldest, but I also love that I’m finding my autonomy outside of being the Ada.

Controlling My Body Means Controlling My Mind

In grad school, I worried I’d get laid off from my full time job for spending too much time on school, or that I wouldn’t fulfill my grad school requirements because I couldn’t dedicate more time there. This led to stomach aches and constant vomiting. Over time, I realized my stomach hurt before all nerve wracking events. Whether I had a first date, had to travel back home, or manage my first live show, my stomach hurt. Grad school helped highlight that my body physically reacts to my anxiety, and facing this instead of running will help me gain control. Thoughts cycle through my head at a rapid rate throughout the day. I write 2-3 pages a day to quiet the noise. I’ll also have days where I decide, no thoughts just actions. Tour management fulfills me because I’m forced to trust my gut instinct. There’s little time to second guess yourself in live entertainment. When your job requires confidence, you start to walk with your head held higher, you smile more, and you learn how to be at peace in any room. I try to bring this energy into spaces I enter each day. It helps me remain grounded in the present reality.

Take Them Meds Girl (This Is Not An Ad)

I have anxiety, depression, and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I took medication for all three while I had insurance and raw-dogged life without them once I lost it. I thought I could handle my illnesses on my own, but without the medication each hardship felt 10x more intense. Thankfully, a friend of mine reminded me of Wisp and Hers as we caught up on the phone one evening. Wisp serves as a subscription service for women’s health while Hers serves as a subscription service for mental health services. Through both platforms, you make your account, take a survey to explain your symptoms, and you discuss your prescription with a licensed physician. Everyone has their own opinions on medication, I’m in favor of it. Life destabilizes me sometimes, my medications help regulate me.

What About Your Friends?

I’m the friend who doesn’t look like what she’s going through, and I forget my friends can’t read my mind. I’m learning that telling them, “I’ll figure it out,” or “It sucks but I’ll get through it,” doesn’t give them the space to support me. It also doesn’t help them understand that I need more support than usual. My problems overwhelm me, and I think they may be too much for a friend to hear about. These fears limit me from leaning on my friends and keep me in a mental silo. As I learn to break free from these fears, my friends show me they have the strength to carry me emotionally when I need it. They remind me that my current hardship doesn’t indicate my future, it’s just part of my journey. I had a friend over one night and I told her I felt down because I had to pull money from my savings account. She reminded me that I’m just living the life of a young ho, and helped me see that I wasn’t alone. This one sentence literally turned my frown upside down. She helped change my perspective and reminded me that this time won’t last forever.

I stopped seeing the benefits of talk therapy after two years. I’d come into sessions with my last therapist ready to share my problems that week. I also came armed with solutions. I presumed our sessions were going well because I gave my therapist little to worry about. But in reality, I tricked my mind a bit into thinking that I had all my troubles under control when I had only scratched the surface. After losing my health insurance and getting kicked off my parents’ insurance once I turned 26, I couldn’t go to therapy. I tried Marketplace Insurance but they gave me unaffordable options, while Medicaid claims I make too much money to qualify. Navigating family issues, self-employment, and financial instability without a mental health professional to speak to has exposed my unhealed wounds. In order to feel better, I have to tackle the hurt areas and rely on the resources I already have.

Controlling My Body Means Controlling My Mind

In grad school, I worried I’d get laid off from my full time job for spending too much time on school, or that I wouldn’t fulfill my grad school requirements because I couldn’t dedicate more time there. This led to stomach aches and constant vomiting. Over time, I realized my stomach hurt before all nerve wracking events. Whether I had a first date, had to travel back home, or manage my first live show, my stomach hurt. Grad school helped highlight that my body physically reacts to my anxiety, and facing this instead of running will help me gain control. Thoughts cycle through my head at a rapid rate throughout the day. I write 2-3 pages a day to quiet the noise. I’ll also have days where I decide, no thoughts just actions. Tour management fulfills me because I’m forced to trust my gut instinct. There’s little time to second guess yourself in live entertainment. When your job requires confidence, you start to walk with your head held higher, you smile more, and you learn how to be at peace in any room. I try to bring this energy into spaces I enter each day. It helps me remain grounded in the present reality.

Take Them Meds Girl (This Is Not An Ad)

I have anxiety, depression, and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I took medication for all three while I had insurance and raw-dogged life without them once I lost it. I thought I could handle my illnesses on my own, but without the medication each hardship felt 10x more intense. Thankfully, a friend of mine reminded me of Wisp and Hers as we caught up on the phone one evening. Wisp serves as a subscription service for women’s health while Hers serves as a subscription service for mental health services. Through both platforms, you make your account, take a survey to explain your symptoms, and you discuss your prescription with a licensed physician. Everyone has their own opinions on medication, I’m in favor of it. Life destabilizes me sometimes, my medications help regulate me.

What About Your Friends?

I’m the friend who doesn’t look like what she’s going through, and I forget my friends can’t read my mind. I’m learning that telling them, “I’ll figure it out,” or “It sucks but I’ll get through it,” doesn’t give them the space to support me. It also doesn’t help them understand that I need more support than usual. My problems overwhelm me, and I think they may be too much for a friend to hear about. These fears limit me from leaning on my friends and keep me in a mental silo. As I learn to break free from these fears, my friends show me they have the strength to carry me emotionally when I need it. They remind me that my current hardship doesn’t indicate my future, it’s just part of my journey. I had a friend over one night and I told her I felt down because I had to pull money from my savings account. She reminded me that I’m just living the life of a young ho, and helped me see that I wasn’t alone. This one sentence literally turned my frown upside down. She helped change my perspective and reminded me that this time won’t last forever.

Michael’s death rattled me, but it gave me the opportunity to learn all I could about him. I fell in love with deep cuts like “Baby Be Mine,” “Just Good Friends,” and “Who Is It?”. My parents surprised my siblings and I with the Wii game, Michael Jackson: The Experience and I used this to teach myself how to move like him. Any chance I got to wear a silver sequined glove on my left hand and moonwalk, I took it. I had high hopes for Michael. With Jaafar Jackson, Michael’s nephew, cast to play him and his estate backing the movie, how could I not? After watching it a day early, however, there are parts of Michael’s journey that I wish the biopic illustrated.

Life On The Road With The Jackson 5

The movie opens up with Michael walking to the stage to start his Bad tour and then flashes back to young Michael in Gary, Indiana, in the middle of a rehearsal with his brothers and father, Joseph Jackson. Colman Domingo scared the sh*t out of me in his portrayal of Joseph and spared no cruelty in his line delivery. He bullied his sons, forced them to practice instead of doing homework, and made Michael choose the belt he’d use to whip the future King of Pop. The movie placed great emphasis on how Michael feared Joe, but failed to display Michael’s relationship with his brothers during the Jackson 5 days and how their experiences varied on tour. Michael started performing at 5 years old and signed to Motown at 10. His oldest three brothers, Jackie, Tito, and Jermaine were around 18, 16, and 15, respectively. Marlon was around 12. The older three had a chance to be regular kids for a bit before The Jackson 5. Michael started performing in his formative years. In the movie, Michael discusses his difficulty with making friends his own age to justify getting a llama to his mom, Katherine (played by Nia Long). I would’ve loved to see a scene that illustrated Michael’s childhood ripped from him. A scene where he and his brothers were playing Twister in their childhood home and Joseph killing their joy by forcing them to rehearse would have hit hard. It would have made the later Twister scene a little more sad, where older Michael asks his brothers to play with him and they laugh. The context, however, would make that scene more impactful. It would have also evened out the dialogue in the movie, because why did Joseph have so many lines?

Michael’s Strategic Genius While Making Thriller

The movie highlights well known facts about the Thriller album, including Michael bringing Bloods and Crips together for the “Beat It” music video, the toggle between what to name the album, and how he pushed MTV to air his music videos, making history as the first Black artist to have their video played on the channel. The film falls short to illustrate all of Michael’s genius to guarantee that he released the best pop album ever. Michael hated that he only won one Grammy in 1980 for Best Male R&B Vocal Performance for “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” He approached the Thriller album with an vengeance. He knew he needed to appeal to his current Black market and a white market to reach worldwide appeal. He put his friend at the time, Paul McCartney, on “The Girl Is Mine,” the third song on the album. Imagine popping Michael Jackson’s album into your CD player and then hearing a Beatle? The Beatles had worldwide acclaim. A cosign from any of them moves mountains in the communities Michael had yet to tap into. Michael’s friendship with actress Jane Fonda also helped. Fonda presented Michael with Thriller’s first Platinum awards in 1983. This public appearance helped with the crossover he aimed for and grew his appeal. I wish more folks could see this side of Michael’s strategy. It taught me the power of believing in your own greatness first.

“Smelly” - Lionel Richie

Lionel Richie details how he gave Michael the nickname “smelly” in his book, Truly: An Inspirational Journey Through the Life of a Musical Legend. Some days, Michael wouldn’t smell the best. He’d go days without showering because he spent so much time on the road. He didn’t like sending his clothes out to be cleaned because the dry cleaners would keep them as a souvenir. Plus, Michael wore flashy, sparkly, sequined outfits on tour that weren’t conducive to everyday wear. Do I like this fact about him? F*ck no. But it highlights an essential piece: Michael’s super star lifestyle got in the way of him taking care of himself. There were so many moments in the movie where I audibly said “poor baby” and I had the same reaction reading this story. There weren’t many people that looked out for Michael’s well being, including his parents. This story from Richie humanized Michael for me, and I think it would have for others as well.

I enjoyed the movie. I danced the whole time and the visuals impressed me. It did a great job illustrating the intensity of the Pepsi commercial accident, as it gave Michael more ammo to take control of his career and started his issues with pain killers. Still, more of Michael’s story could have been told. I’m staying tuned for part two.

I’ve been a Michael Jackson fan since I was in utero, shoutout to my mom. I’ve performed dance routines to “Beat It,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Scream” and I became Michael on that stage each time. I watched him announce his final tour, This Is It, on a gas station TV. My heart broke the day he died. On June 25, 2009, I sat in my family room watching Hannah Montana with my siblings. My mom ran screaming, “Change the channel! Change the channel! Michael Jackson had a heart attack!!” Time froze. We kept the news on through when they reported he passed. I couldn’t believe it. How could he die when he was going on tour the following month?

Michael’s death rattled me, but it gave me the opportunity to learn all I could about him. I fell in love with deep cuts like “Baby Be Mine,” “Just Good Friends,” and “Who Is It?”. My parents surprised my siblings and I with the Wii game, Michael Jackson: The Experience and I used this to teach myself how to move like him. Any chance I got to wear a silver sequined glove on my left hand and moonwalk, I took it. I had high hopes for Michael. With Jaafar Jackson, Michael’s nephew, cast to play him and his estate backing the movie, how could I not? After watching it a day early, however, there are parts of Michael’s journey that I wish the biopic illustrated.

Life On The Road With The Jackson 5

The movie opens up with Michael walking to the stage to start his Bad tour and then flashes back to young Michael in Gary, Indiana, in the middle of a rehearsal with his brothers and father, Joseph Jackson. Colman Domingo scared the sh*t out of me in his portrayal of Joseph and spared no cruelty in his line delivery. He bullied his sons, forced them to practice instead of doing homework, and made Michael choose the belt he’d use to whip the future King of Pop. The movie placed great emphasis on how Michael feared Joe, but failed to display Michael’s relationship with his brothers during the Jackson 5 days and how their experiences varied on tour. Michael started performing at 5 years old and signed to Motown at 10. His oldest three brothers, Jackie, Tito, and Jermaine were around 18, 16, and 15, respectively. Marlon was around 12. The older three had a chance to be regular kids for a bit before The Jackson 5. Michael started performing in his formative years. In the movie, Michael discusses his difficulty with making friends his own age to justify getting a llama to his mom, Katherine (played by Nia Long). I would’ve loved to see a scene that illustrated Michael’s childhood ripped from him. A scene where he and his brothers were playing Twister in their childhood home and Joseph killing their joy by forcing them to rehearse would have hit hard. It would have made the later Twister scene a little more sad, where older Michael asks his brothers to play with him and they laugh. The context, however, would make that scene more impactful. It would have also evened out the dialogue in the movie, because why did Joseph have so many lines?

Michael’s Strategic Genius While Making Thriller

The movie highlights well known facts about the Thriller album, including Michael bringing Bloods and Crips together for the “Beat It” music video, the toggle between what to name the album, and how he pushed MTV to air his music videos, making history as the first Black artist to have their video played on the channel. The film falls short to illustrate all of Michael’s genius to guarantee that he released the best pop album ever. Michael hated that he only won one Grammy in 1980 for Best Male R&B Vocal Performance for “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” He approached the Thriller album with an vengeance. He knew he needed to appeal to his current Black market and a white market to reach worldwide appeal. He put his friend at the time, Paul McCartney, on “The Girl Is Mine,” the third song on the album. Imagine popping Michael Jackson’s album into your CD player and then hearing a Beatle? The Beatles had worldwide acclaim. A cosign from any of them moves mountains in the communities Michael had yet to tap into. Michael’s friendship with actress Jane Fonda also helped. Fonda presented Michael with Thriller’s first Platinum awards in 1983. This public appearance helped with the crossover he aimed for and grew his appeal. I wish more folks could see this side of Michael’s strategy. It taught me the power of believing in your own greatness first.

“Smelly” - Lionel Richie

Lionel Richie details how he gave Michael the nickname “smelly” in his book, Truly: An Inspirational Journey Through the Life of a Musical Legend. Some days, Michael wouldn’t smell the best. He’d go days without showering because he spent so much time on the road. He didn’t like sending his clothes out to be cleaned because the dry cleaners would keep them as a souvenir. Plus, Michael wore flashy, sparkly, sequined outfits on tour that weren’t conducive to everyday wear. Do I like this fact about him? F*ck no. But it highlights an essential piece: Michael’s super star lifestyle got in the way of him taking care of himself. There were so many moments in the movie where I audibly said “poor baby” and I had the same reaction reading this story. There weren’t many people that looked out for Michael’s well being, including his parents. This story from Richie humanized Michael for me, and I think it would have for others as well.

I enjoyed the movie. I danced the whole time and the visuals impressed me. It did a great job illustrating the intensity of the Pepsi commercial accident, as it gave Michael more ammo to take control of his career and started his issues with pain killers. Still, more of Michael’s story could have been told. I’m staying tuned for part two.

“Maybe I should move back home.”

“No. Fight.”

“Did I do everything, absolutely everything that I can do?”

“No.”

My roommate sent me a Tik Tok where a girl living in NYC struggling to find work asked folks to share the craziest ways they landed a new job in her comments section. I’ve done most things on that list like applying to 10-15 jobs a day and/or making sure I have a reference to use. But I hadn’t directly called the places I applied to and I haven’t shown up to them in person. I was always too nervous. I applied for unemployment mid November, 2024, a few weeks after I got laid off. I followed all the online instructions, but it still took me weeks to see my benefits. Scared, I dragged my feet to the unemployment office. I didn’t wait long to speak to an agent once I got there since I submitted my application and he helped me get my claim attended to. He also let me know that the unemployment office stops answering new calls after 2pm, which means any call I made after this time to the office actually fell on deaf ears. Within 24 hours, the unemployment office dispersed my benefits, including my back pay. Once my benefits hit my account, I said to myself, “Wow, I had to go in person.”

Physically Showing Up Matters

I’m a captivating, charismatic, hard working woman. Hiring managers that don’t know me and spend all day looking through files of applicants can easily miss this. I’m also beautiful with a great smile. Superficial or not, this alone helps me get what I want. For me to truly show that I’m the best applicant for a job, I have to physically show up. Entrepreneur, CEO, and author, Emma Grede, claims that work from home culture, “[erodes] the potential for women to be successful.” She shared this on Keke Palmer’s podcast, Baby, This is Keke Palmer. Some critiqued this stance but I agree with Emma. She read me because I love working from home, networking over email, and listening to podcasts that inspire me to aim high. That alone, however, hasn’t secured me a job. I had to start showing up more. I recently applied for a job at a luxury gym. I’ve applied to other openings here and even had my friend put in a reference for me, but I never heard back. This time around, I called the gym, sent an email to the hiring manager, and went to the gym location to introduce myself in person. I didn’t schedule a time to come in prior, the hiring manager didn’t even answer my email, but once I got there I sat for an interview. I don’t know if I got this job or not, but I left the gym location with the same feeling I had leaving the unemployment office: I had to go in person.

“If you’re not there, if you’re not in the room, there is going to be someone else that is and guess what? They will get that opportunity over you,” says Emma Grede on Baby, This is Keke Palmer.

Dream Big, And Actually Chase That Dream

Coleman Domingo told the Wall Street Journal that manifestation is a lie. He says, “Putting something up on a dream board is fine. You need some creative visualization, but you’ve gotta do the work to get there.” Coleman’s right, and the Bible also says a similar thing. “For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead,” James 2:27 (ESV). We have the capacity as humans to limitlessly dream, pray, and manifest. Without putting in the work to get us to where we need to be, faith is dead. So, what does “works” look like? That depends on what you put your faith into. For me, works looks like putting together a job description when I pitched myself to be Roy Wood Jr. ‘s tour manager, rather than waiting for him to give me a chance. Works looks like creating a budget and spending tracker with the little money I have in order to strengthen my financial literacy before I handle more money. Works looks like cooking at home so I can have a healthier digestive system. I use courage to step out of my own status quo and stretch myself to reach the goals I talk to God about each day. I’m still working hard to get out of a financial rut, to gain my professional confidence back, but in this past week, I felt a shift. That shift came with facing my fears, putting in work, and fighting for the life I want.

“Maybe I should move back home.”

“No. Fight.”

“Did I do everything, absolutely everything that I can do?”

“No.”

My roommate sent me a Tik Tok where a girl living in NYC struggling to find work asked folks to share the craziest ways they landed a new job in her comments section. I’ve done most things on that list like applying to 10-15 jobs a day and/or making sure I have a reference to use. But I hadn’t directly called the places I applied to and I haven’t shown up to them in person. I was always too nervous. I applied for unemployment mid November, 2024, a few weeks after I got laid off. I followed all the online instructions, but it still took me weeks to see my benefits. Scared, I dragged my feet to the unemployment office. I didn’t wait long to speak to an agent once I got there since I submitted my application and he helped me get my claim attended to. He also let me know that the unemployment office stops answering new calls after 2pm, which means any call I made after this time to the office actually fell on deaf ears. Within 24 hours, the unemployment office dispersed my benefits, including my back pay. Once my benefits hit my account, I said to myself, “Wow, I had to go in person.”

Physically Showing Up Matters

I’m a captivating, charismatic, hard working woman. Hiring managers that don’t know me and spend all day looking through files of applicants can easily miss this. I’m also beautiful with a great smile. Superficial or not, this alone helps me get what I want. For me to truly show that I’m the best applicant for a job, I have to physically show up. Entrepreneur, CEO, and author, Emma Grede, claims that work from home culture, “[erodes] the potential for women to be successful.” She shared this on Keke Palmer’s podcast, Baby, This is Keke Palmer. Some critiqued this stance but I agree with Emma. She read me because I love working from home, networking over email, and listening to podcasts that inspire me to aim high. That alone, however, hasn’t secured me a job. I had to start showing up more. I recently applied for a job at a luxury gym. I’ve applied to other openings here and even had my friend put in a reference for me, but I never heard back. This time around, I called the gym, sent an email to the hiring manager, and went to the gym location to introduce myself in person. I didn’t schedule a time to come in prior, the hiring manager didn’t even answer my email, but once I got there I sat for an interview. I don’t know if I got this job or not, but I left the gym location with the same feeling I had leaving the unemployment office: I had to go in person.

“If you’re not there, if you’re not in the room, there is going to be someone else that is and guess what? They will get that opportunity over you,” says Emma Grede on Baby, This is Keke Palmer.

Dream Big, And Actually Chase That Dream

Coleman Domingo told the Wall Street Journal that manifestation is a lie. He says, “Putting something up on a dream board is fine. You need some creative visualization, but you’ve gotta do the work to get there.” Coleman’s right, and the Bible also says a similar thing. “For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead,” James 2:27 (ESV). We have the capacity as humans to limitlessly dream, pray, and manifest. Without putting in the work to get us to where we need to be, faith is dead. So, what does “works” look like? That depends on what you put your faith into. For me, works looks like putting together a job description when I pitched myself to be Roy Wood Jr. ‘s tour manager, rather than waiting for him to give me a chance. Works looks like creating a budget and spending tracker with the little money I have in order to strengthen my financial literacy before I handle more money. Works looks like cooking at home so I can have a healthier digestive system. I use courage to step out of my own status quo and stretch myself to reach the goals I talk to God about each day. I’m still working hard to get out of a financial rut, to gain my professional confidence back, but in this past week, I felt a shift. That shift came with facing my fears, putting in work, and fighting for the life I want.

Increased Exposure and Brand Deals

When I think of classic NBA fashion, I think of Pat Riley. Some mocked him, but I appreciated how he crafted his outfits for games. Known for wearing Giorgio Armani Clark Gable suits during games, Riley met with the late designer in Milan in 1982. Armani offered to make Riley custom suits, beginning their personal relationship and opening doors for Riley to be an unofficial brand ambassador for Armani. Riley developed a personal brand outside of coaching which helped him remain relevant years after his head coach tenure. His LA Lakers statue even has him dressed in an Armani suit.

Coaches can use their style to allow their personalities to shine through. This can help them appeal opportunities that highlight their personhood, including clothing brand ambassadorships or magazine covers. Kim Mulkey, head coach of the women’s basketball team at LSU, stands out because of her suits. They were out of the ordinary, and they made me want to learn more about her. For the NBA coaches finding their footing in the league, leaning into personal style couldn’t hurt.

Dressing For The Part Better Prepares You Better For It

Ryan Vogel and Brian Holtz of the Management Department at Temple’s Fox School of Business conducted a study in 2023 that was published in the Academy of Management Journal titled, Wearing Your Worth at Work: The Consequences of Employees’ Daily Clothing Choices. This study examines how what one wears to work impacts their mood and self esteem, and how that, in turn, affects their work performance. Joseph Kim, assistant professor in the Department of Management at Westchester University, also helped in conducting this study. After a 10-day field study performed on full-time professionals who worked in person among other co-workers, Kim, Holtz, and Vogel, “found that those who dressed better than they usually did had a stronger sense of self-esteem and performed better on tasks.” I agree with this. Seeing a head coach wear a suit on a basketball court helps set the head coach apart from others. The referees and the basketball players have a uniform. Seeing a man dressed in a suit among the uniformed folks tells me he’s the man in charge. Correct me if I’m wrong gentlemen, but y’all walk with your head held higher when you have a suit on. There’s more bounce in your step, your walk changes to a more elegant one to show off the classy dress shoe you’re wearing, even the way y’all put your hands in your pockets changes. Quite frankly, y’all be looking sexy in suits. (Sorry, was that too much?)

Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra prefers quarter zips, they make it easier to pack for away games. I used to have a hard time identifying Spoelstra on the court before I knew him. I didn’t realize he was the man in charge. In Coach Carter, Coach Ken Carter, played by Samuel L. Jackson, made his basketball team wear suits on game days to create an environment of discipline, professionalism, and self respect. To Riley and Coach Carter’s point, suits signify leadership. I can only see how it can help rather than hurt.

“[Riley] gave me a few suits back when I was an assistant coach, but I looked like the lead singer of Talking Heads…I didn’t realize I had to tailor a suit too,” says Spoelstra to press before a game.

Solutions? Doc Rivers Might Have One

Milwaukee Bucks coach Doc Rivers thinks coaches should be required to wear suits during the NBA playoffs season to signify their importance. The league shouldn’t return to a strict dress code during the regular season, clothing options help when coaches’ focus should primarily be on the games. But the playoffs are a high pressure time. They pave the path to a team championship, a coach’s demise, or an underdog’s legendary story. Playoffs mean business and how a coach shows up should reflect onto his team as well.

Increased Exposure and Brand Deals

When I think of classic NBA fashion, I think of Pat Riley. Some mocked him, but I appreciated how he crafted his outfits for games. Known for wearing Giorgio Armani Clark Gable suits during games, Riley met with the late designer in Milan in 1982. Armani offered to make Riley custom suits, beginning their personal relationship and opening doors for Riley to be an unofficial brand ambassador for Armani. Riley developed a personal brand outside of coaching which helped him remain relevant years after his head coach tenure. His LA Lakers statue even has him dressed in an Armani suit.

Coaches can use their style to allow their personalities to shine through. This can help them appeal opportunities that highlight their personhood, including clothing brand ambassadorships or magazine covers. Kim Mulkey, head coach of the women’s basketball team at LSU, stands out because of her suits. They were out of the ordinary, and they made me want to learn more about her. For the NBA coaches finding their footing in the league, leaning into personal style couldn’t hurt.

Dressing For The Part Better Prepares You Better For It

Ryan Vogel and Brian Holtz of the Management Department at Temple’s Fox School of Business conducted a study in 2023 that was published in the Academy of Management Journal titled, Wearing Your Worth at Work: The Consequences of Employees’ Daily Clothing Choices. This study examines how what one wears to work impacts their mood and self esteem, and how that, in turn, affects their work performance. Joseph Kim, assistant professor in the Department of Management at Westchester University, also helped in conducting this study. After a 10-day field study performed on full-time professionals who worked in person among other co-workers, Kim, Holtz, and Vogel, “found that those who dressed better than they usually did had a stronger sense of self-esteem and performed better on tasks.” I agree with this. Seeing a head coach wear a suit on a basketball court helps set the head coach apart from others. The referees and the basketball players have a uniform. Seeing a man dressed in a suit among the uniformed folks tells me he’s the man in charge. Correct me if I’m wrong gentlemen, but y’all walk with your head held higher when you have a suit on. There’s more bounce in your step, your walk changes to a more elegant one to show off the classy dress shoe you’re wearing, even the way y’all put your hands in your pockets changes. Quite frankly, y’all be looking sexy in suits. (Sorry, was that too much?)

Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra prefers quarter zips, they make it easier to pack for away games. I used to have a hard time identifying Spoelstra on the court before I knew him. I didn’t realize he was the man in charge. In Coach Carter, Coach Ken Carter, played by Samuel L. Jackson, made his basketball team wear suits on game days to create an environment of discipline, professionalism, and self respect. To Riley and Coach Carter’s point, suits signify leadership. I can only see how it can help rather than hurt.

“[Riley] gave me a few suits back when I was an assistant coach, but I looked like the lead singer of Talking Heads…I didn’t realize I had to tailor a suit too,” says Spoelstra to press before a game.

Solutions? Doc Rivers Might Have One

Milwaukee Bucks coach Doc Rivers thinks coaches should be required to wear suits during the NBA playoffs season to signify their importance. The league shouldn’t return to a strict dress code during the regular season, clothing options help when coaches’ focus should primarily be on the games. But the playoffs are a high pressure time. They pave the path to a team championship, a coach’s demise, or an underdog’s legendary story. Playoffs mean business and how a coach shows up should reflect onto his team as well.

More Than A Betrayal

I had a friend in high school, let’s call her Frankie. Frankie moved from the city to my school on Long Island our sophomore year and we formed a friendship our junior year. I danced, she cheered. I’m Black, she’s Latina. We had the same summer job, and we both went through intense heartbreaks. I rode for Frankie, whenever she needed me I showed up. I loved Frankie and trusted her. When I needed to vent about the guy that broke my heart, Jamie, I ran to her because I thought she had the capacity to comfort me.

Jamie and I had a situationship. In 2016, we called them “things.” I never had an issue with dating a white boy like him, but I think he had issues with dating Black girl. He kept me a secret, but I wanted love and enjoyed the little relationship we were building. We texted all day, everyday, I had some of my first sexual experiences with him, and we even said we loved each other. For what I knew love was at the time, I did love him. The sweetness faded when he started talking to a fairer, lighter skinned Latin girl. Within a week of talking to her, Jamie told me he wanted her to be his girlfriend and that we couldn’t continue talking. My heart fell to my stomach and according to my best friends, I barely laughed after this. I didn’t allow myself to be happy, I didn’t think there was a point. I felt embarrassed, disappointed, and insecure. I felt stupid, so stupid for falling for a boy that was never going to choose me. Frankie knew every detail of this story, and empowered me by reminding me that Jamie never deserved a girl like me. So imagine my surprise when Frankie and Jamie started dating our senior year. What an amazing best friend, huh?

I Put Their Feelings Before My Own

I don’t understand how a friend can hear you cry about a guy and then say, “Hey, he would be a good person to date.” I asked myself, “Do my feelings not matter?” I told more friends about Jamie and held nothing back. I even wrote a diss track. Word got back to me that I made Jamie look bad and his friends told me to stop. Even Jamie himself told me to. I stopped candidly telling this story after a Black co-worker I confided in said to me, “You let a white boy break your heart?!” So that, plus Frankie’s betrayal, placed me in an uncomfortable position where I valued others’ feelings over my own. This damaged my self view, it made me hesitant to closely befriend white or non-Black women, and turned me off to dating outside of my race. I’m attracted to white men, but I’m not as brave as Ciara. I’m scared to date them publicly because I don’t feel like a serious option to them. I feel like the ride they want to take a spin on. I went to a school where white girls took each other’s ex’s for sport. They’d talk about how much they hated one girl or two in their friend group, and would spend the weekend hanging out like nothing happened. Why would I subject myself to that?

The Consequences Of Being The Fun Girl

In season 6, episode 8 of Summer House, one of the house mates, Austen Kroll, called Ciara a “little Jezebel” on camera. Them two, and cast member Lindsay Hubbard, were involved in a love triangle that lasted throughout that season. Ciara, on this current season, speaks about her frustration with men seeing her as the fun girl and not the girl to commit to after her current cast mate, Jesse Solomon, said he wanted to make out with her “as a joke.” Ciara wants a serious, committed relationship because she eventually wants to get married and have kids. The men around her only want to be with her for a fun time. TV characters like Annalise Keating and Olivia Pope have been described to fit the Jezebel trope, a negative stereotype that describes Black women as promiscuous, overtly sexual, and shames them for it. There’s harm in Austen referring to Ciara in this way on a tv show.

I often felt like Jamie’s fun girl. He kept me a secret from his friends because when he would talk about me, they’d make fun of him. I also kept us a secret, not because my friends would make fun of me, but because I didn’t want to make things complicated for Jamie. (I’m still working on forgiving myself for that). This experience laid a fragile foundation for my dating life because I stopped believing I was worthy of commitment. I thought my worth lay in my performance in bed. After Jamie, I allowed myself to go from situationship to situationship where sex laid the foundation for our dynamic. I dealt with men that used me for my body, claiming they liked me but weren’t ready for a relationship, and then watched them commit to the girl they met after me. I often asked myself, “why am I never good enough?”

I hate that Ciara has to face this bullshit, and I hate the lack of acknowledgement of her pain. Kyle Cooke, Amanda’s now ex-husband, told folks to be easy on Amanda because of how this affects her mental health. F*ck that. Amanda will be fine. West will be fine. The two of them violated Ciara’s personhood in a society that disregards Black women’s feelings. The bright side I see for Ciara is that she knows who truly supports her and who doesn’t. She’s shaking off dead weight, and I know she’s going to soar farther than she already has. Frankie and Jamie were my dead weight. I soared without them, and watched them watch me shine. There’s still some pain there, but I now see how God protected me.

More Than A Betrayal

I had a friend in high school, let’s call her Frankie. Frankie moved from the city to my school on Long Island our sophomore year and we formed a friendship our junior year. I danced, she cheered. I’m Black, she’s Latina. We had the same summer job, and we both went through intense heartbreaks. I rode for Frankie, whenever she needed me I showed up. I loved Frankie and trusted her. When I needed to vent about the guy that broke my heart, Jamie, I ran to her because I thought she had the capacity to comfort me.

Jamie and I had a situationship. In 2016, we called them “things.” I never had an issue with dating a white boy like him, but I think he had issues with dating Black girl. He kept me a secret, but I wanted love and enjoyed the little relationship we were building. We texted all day, everyday, I had some of my first sexual experiences with him, and we even said we loved each other. For what I knew love was at the time, I did love him. The sweetness faded when he started talking to a fairer, lighter skinned Latin girl. Within a week of talking to her, Jamie told me he wanted her to be his girlfriend and that we couldn’t continue talking. My heart fell to my stomach and according to my best friends, I barely laughed after this. I didn’t allow myself to be happy, I didn’t think there was a point. I felt embarrassed, disappointed, and insecure. I felt stupid, so stupid for falling for a boy that was never going to choose me. Frankie knew every detail of this story, and empowered me by reminding me that Jamie never deserved a girl like me. So imagine my surprise when Frankie and Jamie started dating our senior year. What an amazing best friend, huh?

I Put Their Feelings Before My Own

I don’t understand how a friend can hear you cry about a guy and then say, “Hey, he would be a good person to date.” I asked myself, “Do my feelings not matter?” I told more friends about Jamie and held nothing back. I even wrote a diss track. Word got back to me that I made Jamie look bad and his friends told me to stop. Even Jamie himself told me to. I stopped candidly telling this story after a Black co-worker I confided in said to me, “You let a white boy break your heart?!” So that, plus Frankie’s betrayal, placed me in an uncomfortable position where I valued others’ feelings over my own. This damaged my self view, it made me hesitant to closely befriend white or non-Black women, and turned me off to dating outside of my race. I’m attracted to white men, but I’m not as brave as Ciara. I’m scared to date them publicly because I don’t feel like a serious option to them. I feel like the ride they want to take a spin on. I went to a school where white girls took each other’s ex’s for sport. They’d talk about how much they hated one girl or two in their friend group, and would spend the weekend hanging out like nothing happened. Why would I subject myself to that?

The Consequences Of Being The Fun Girl

In season 6, episode 8 of Summer House, one of the house mates, Austen Kroll, called Ciara a “little Jezebel” on camera. Them two, and cast member Lindsay Hubbard, were involved in a love triangle that lasted throughout that season. Ciara, on this current season, speaks about her frustration with men seeing her as the fun girl and not the girl to commit to after her current cast mate, Jesse Solomon, said he wanted to make out with her “as a joke.” Ciara wants a serious, committed relationship because she eventually wants to get married and have kids. The men around her only want to be with her for a fun time. TV characters like Annalise Keating and Olivia Pope have been described to fit the Jezebel trope, a negative stereotype that describes Black women as promiscuous, overtly sexual, and shames them for it. There’s harm in Austen referring to Ciara in this way on a tv show.

I often felt like Jamie’s fun girl. He kept me a secret from his friends because when he would talk about me, they’d make fun of him. I also kept us a secret, not because my friends would make fun of me, but because I didn’t want to make things complicated for Jamie. (I’m still working on forgiving myself for that). This experience laid a fragile foundation for my dating life because I stopped believing I was worthy of commitment. I thought my worth lay in my performance in bed. After Jamie, I allowed myself to go from situationship to situationship where sex laid the foundation for our dynamic. I dealt with men that used me for my body, claiming they liked me but weren’t ready for a relationship, and then watched them commit to the girl they met after me. I often asked myself, “why am I never good enough?”

I hate that Ciara has to face this bullshit, and I hate the lack of acknowledgement of her pain. Kyle Cooke, Amanda’s now ex-husband, told folks to be easy on Amanda because of how this affects her mental health. F*ck that. Amanda will be fine. West will be fine. The two of them violated Ciara’s personhood in a society that disregards Black women’s feelings. The bright side I see for Ciara is that she knows who truly supports her and who doesn’t. She’s shaking off dead weight, and I know she’s going to soar farther than she already has. Frankie and Jamie were my dead weight. I soared without them, and watched them watch me shine. There’s still some pain there, but I now see how God protected me.